Metagame
by Ellislash
Summary: Woo, crackfic! No slash or anything, just silly. A little coarse language. I don't own anything that's Valve's, nor anything related to Pathfinder.


"Okay, everyone got it?"

"Yeah."

"Mm-hmm."

"Yer th' boss."

"Damn straight. Break it down for me one more time, then let's move out. Face, you're gonna..."

"Get in th' front door an' sabotage th' security. Got th' fake footage right here. Soon's it's done, get out."

"Good. Muscle?"

"I got a name, boy!"

"And I'm not using it. Tell me your part."

"Divertin' th' water so Ro-"

"For the last time, _no names_!"

"Fine, so _she_ c'n get us in through th' pipes."

"And Monkey?"

"Maybe we do have to go by call-signs, but I wish you wouldn't call me that... I'll get us in under the facility, come up through the Jefferey's tube connected to the water main and wait for the diversion. Then I'll swap all this decoy crap for the real deal and high-tail it out the same way."

"And I'm coming with you. Awesome. It's showtime!"

_You meet up at the rendezvous where the county water main branches off. Ellis, you have to get up to the gates of the Fort. How are you doing this?_

"I drain my truck's radiator so's I look broke-down an' drive up to 'em fer help. I mean, they're th' only speck a' civilization fer miles around..."

_That's what you tell the guards, that you need roadside assistance?_

"Uh-huh. An' I look all pathetic an' stuff. I was goin' ta my granma's funeral, see, which is t'morrow out in..."

_Roll a bluff check._

"Okay, lessee here... Ooh, nice! Eighteen plus nine's a twenty-seven."

_Lucky! One of the guards seems like he's ready to cry in the face of your angelic distress, and convinces the other to let you come in for coffee while the tow truck drives all the way out here._

"Thank ya kindly, sir! Man, I ain't never been in a vault before, this is so excitin'... Say, if y'all ain't too busy, any chance ya could point out some a' th' tourist attractions 'round here? … I'm tryin' ta convince 'em ta gimme a tour, see."

_Diplomacy check._

"Hah! With his modifier, does he even have to roll?"

_Yes, Nick, hush._

"Yeah, yer gonna get yer turn soon's I'm done settin' this up. Oh-ho, man, check this out! I only got an eleven but that's still actually a twenty-six!"

"Guys, does it even count as role-playing if his character is basically himself?"

"Look who's talkin', baby girl, you named yours 'Roselline.'"

"But she doesn't _act_ like me..."

"Come on, the faster his turn is over the sooner we get to play."

"Yeah, an' c'mon, in real life I ain't never gonna rob no place like this."

"'Ain't never...' Isn't that..."

"Triple negative, Nick, it's fine. Let the GM talk!"

_Thank you, Rochelle. Anyway. Twenty-six, you barely convince them, but the guard who was so moved by your story earlier sees no reason not to give you the ten-dollar tour once you've called the mechanic._

"All right, I make th' call."

_Bluff check_.

"Aw, again? What for?"

_Yes, you have to explain to the mechanic why you are where you are and the guards are listening_.

"Fine... Umm, twenty-two."

_Good enough. You arrange for someone to get you as soon as possible, then the guard waves you along._

"What's yer name?"

_"Jason."_

"Nice ta meetcha, Jason, m'name's Chris."

_"I know, we checked your ID at the door."_

"Oh, right, right, 'course. Well, thanks fer bein' so accomodatin' an' all, I really appreciate it! … An' while I'm talkin' I'm rollin' a Perception check, that's... twenty-four."

_Are you looking for anything in particular?_

"Y'know, security office, hidin' places, cameras an' alarms, that kinda thing."

_Okay. As Jason leads you around you see a hallway off to the left that doesn't have any vault-type doors on it; instead it looks like reinforced offices. That's probably where security is. There are cameras in every corner but you suspect they are mostly for show; there's got to be a bunch of better-hidden ones someplace, but even if surveillance can hide there's nowhere for somebody your size to take cover._

"Well, shoot. What's on th' tour, then?"

_There's a large room, more like a hangar than a garage, with several non-operational tanks on display. There's a smaller room with a single bar of gold under glass, and four armed guards on duty even at this time of night. Then the main attraction, a viewing room that looks out over a warehouse stacked with bars of gold. Even through the six-inch-thick bulletproof glass you know that it's all fake; the real bullion is in the basement vaults._

"Ooh, that's all awful purdy."

_"You'd be surprised at how fast you can get tired of looking at it," Jason says with a smirk. "I mean, that's pretty much it. All there is around here are bricks of one kind or another. Pretty damn boring."_

"Don'tcha got a break room or somethin'?"

_"Well yeah, but only for ten minutes or so every few hours. I guess you can wait there for the tow truck, though, and I'll keep an eye on you."_

"Much obliged, sir."

_Jason takes you back to that hall you noticed before and opens one of the doors with an ID card. Inside is the empty break room, with pool and ping-pong tables, a couple of couches, a TV and a small kitchen area. There's a camera positioned in the corner by the door, opposite the television._

"Perception check t'see if it's a real one... sixteen plus seven, twenty-three."

_It looks to be real._

"All right! What kinda channels ya got here, buddy?"

_"Lots. Enough that the remote control comes with its own menu. What do you want to watch?"_

"I dunno, Discovery Channel? … Is he gonna deal with that?"

_Jason sits on the couch to look for the remote, yes._

"Okay, as soon as he sits down I get under th' camera's view an' get th' fake feed wired in real quick-like."

_Stealth check_.

"Hah! Natural twenty!"

"Nice roll, killer."

"Thank ya kindly!"

_Well okay then. Jason doesn't notice a thing, too busy flipping through channels and muttering __to himself about technology being too smart for its own good._

"Okay, my job's done. I'm just gonna chill with him 'til the tow truck shows up."

"Finally. Can we get some _action _now?"

"Holdjer horses, Nick, jeez! It's y'all's turn ta break in, so I'm goin' ta th' kitchen. Y'all gonna want anythin'?"

"Sure, sweetie, why don't you grab that fruit salad I brought tonight?"

"An' the chips I left on the counter."

"If you're getting a beer, I'll have one too."

_Nothing for me, thanks._

"Okay! Be right back."

"Thanks, Ellis."

"Make sure it's cold!"

"Keep that ungrateful shit up, Nick, an' I'll dump a whole case a' warm Bud on yer jerkass face."

_Go on, Ellis, let the GM worry about retribution._

"Heh, now yer in for it."

"Whatever, it's just a game."


End file.
